“Hit by a car.”

“Too… anonymous.”

“You’re driving.”

“Maybe.”

“Burning?”

“Too Puritan.”

“Flay him.”

“Too Game of Thrones.”“Drowning?”

“Too clean.”

“In a sewer.”

“A possibility. If it was slow. And miserable…. But…”

“But?”

“There has to be something more…”

“More?”

“More… creative?”

“Unique?”

“Yes. Unique.”

“He lives in an apartment, right?”

“Right.”

“Cut the cable. He’s in free fall. His heart, lungs, liver, kidneys…”

“Balls.”

“Balls… everything being pulled down. Gravity just grabbing every organ…”

“And his balls.”

“Yeah, everything. Grabs them and pulls them to the earth at a bone crushing rate of acceleration. Splat.”

“Could work. Unless he takes the stairs. He has a super good body. He probably takes the stairs.”

“Does he swim?”

“Maybe. What did you have in mind? Because you know the whole drowning thing is…”

“Yeah, too clean. You said. But… There’s this place in the ocean. Super deep. Super spooky. And full of these flowers.”

“Flowers?”

“That eat bones.”

“Literally?”

“Literally.”

“Hmmm. How deep?”

“Deep. Maybe too deep. But if he had a sub and went…”

“I don’t think he has a sub.”

“Fermi.”

“Fermi?”

“Particle accelerator. He ‘accidentally’ trips. Falls head-first. Protons speeding through his brain. He’s dead. Bam.”

“Pain?”

“Pain… probably not much. It would be quick.”

“No. Nothing quick. Slow. Very, very slowly.”

“You dig a hole.”

“Bury alive?”

“Better. You dig a home. Straight through the earth and…”

“Too much work.”

“A magnet. A huge powerful magnet that creates this field. The strongest one you’ve seen.”

“On Earth.”

“And space. Like a… like a… a neutron star. And it just pulls every single atom of his body, pulls it until he’s this cloud…”

“Cloud?”

“Yeah, cloud. Of plasma. Human-shaped plasma. It would be slow and painful.”

“And you know where to find a magnet like this.”

“Well… no. Not really.”

“One second. My phone.”

“Hey, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it. I was… I was stupid. I should’ve asked you to the dance weeks ago.”

“Yeah, you should’ve.”

“So… So can I ask you now?”

“Maybe.”

“Ah… well, would you go the middle school dance with me.”

“I might be busy.”

“Please?”

“I have a blue dress. Do you have a blue tie?”

“I can get one.”

“…Okay.”

“My parents can drive us.”

“Okay. See you tomorrow.”

“Bye.”

“Well?”

“Well… Change of plan.”

 

This week’s inspiration is from Sarah Dunn.

http://www.sciencealert.com/this-morbid-physicist-just-described-the-5-most-gruesome-ways-to-die